Take My Hand And Lead Me Home
by isabella2004
Summary: To the outside world, Lucy and Darren Osbourne are a happily married couple with a new baby. But then Lucy attempts suicide and their so-called perfect life unravels prompting Darren to look back over their past in an attempt to save their future.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a story not based on any of the events that happened in the series with some new characters, including the main protaganist Lucy. I'm also going to be telling it backwards (novel I know!) I got the idea a few years ago and tried it with another story that ended up going nowhere, but I wanted to try it again. Which means that the chapters following this one will go back in time - it's that simple! I'd love it if you read and reviewed as it's always good to get criticism - positive or otherwise! This story deals with issues of post-natal depression. If you can - enjoy.**

**July 2008**

It was quiet at the bridge that afternoon. In the two hours she had been there, only a few souls had passed by and none of them had even glanced her way. None of them had been able to tell just how much pain she was in. They were too consumed with their own lives, hurrying to meet friends or lovers, talking quietly on their mobiles or generally ignorant of the world around them.

She hadn't moved from her position in the entire two hours, only glancing around occasionally when she thought she heard footsteps. She had spent the rest of the time gazing down at the water rushing freely below her. She wondered how fast the current was. Where it went? She remembered how, as a child, she loved dropping sticks off of bridges and then running to the other side to see if it floated past. She wondered if Caroline would do that when she got older.

Thinking about her daughter brought her back to reality, made her remember why she was on this bridge contemplating the water below. There was no other option. She had told herself that repeatedly on the way and for the last two hours. She needed to get out of her daughter's life for what child wanted a mother that she couldn't stand? She had seen it in the baby's eyes again this morning when she had been screaming for milk. The accusatory stare. The wordless recrimination that she wasn't good enough…could never be good enough. That had sealed it for her. Caroline would be so much better off without her in her life and Darren could do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't be there to reprimand him.

Bearing her weight on her arms, she slowly lifted her left leg over the wooden edge and onto the ledge on the other side. Her right leg followed suit until she was fully standing on the other side, nothing between her and the water below except her hands gripping onto the wood behind. No-one started to scream, no-one panicked. No-one said anything and she realised that she was quite alone, staring down into the abyss below. She wondered if it would hurt, if she would be killed instantly, or merely brain-damaged by the rocks below, forced to drift aimlessly until she died.

She was going to do it. Had to do it. All she had to do was let go and she would be free. Caroline would be free. Darren would be free. They would all be free…

XXXX

"Darren!" Nancy's voice betrayed her irritation as she pushed the pram into the pub and up towards the bar. There were only a few customers in, regulars who didn't bat an eyelid at her.

The object of her irritation turned from where he had been cleaning glasses and frowned at her, "Nance?"

"When Lucy said half an hour, I assumed she meant half an hour!" Nancy moaned, bringing the pram to a stop and putting the safety brake on. "Two hours later and she still hasn't come back."

"I don't know what you're on about," Darren said, coming around the bar and peering in the pram at his daughter.

"Lucy? Your wife?" Nancy said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I know who she is, thank you very much."

"Well, she asked me to watch Caroline for half an hour two hours ago! I know it may look as though I spend all my time swaning around the village and drinking in the SU bar…"

"Oh you noticed then?" Darren quipped.

"But…" she replied angrily, "I don't have time to be a long term babysitter."

"I'm sorry," Darren said, "I didn't know she had left her with you. She went out earlier and I thought she'd taken her for a walk."

"Well, she didn't," Nancy grumbled, "so I'm assuming that since I've returned her to her father, my responsibility is at an end?"

"Yeah, thanks." The baby started to scream and he reached into the pram and lifted her out.

"Good," Nancy turned to leave, "oh, I almost forgot." She reached into her bag and lifted out the envelope, "she asked me to give you this."

He took it from her suspiciously, "Lucy asked _you _to give _me_ this?" Nancy nodded. "Ok."

"Great, bye!" With that, Nancy hurried out of the pub leaving Darren to juggle the baby and the letter. Cradling Caroline in the crook of his arm, he opened the envelope and took out the single sheet of paper, instantly recognising Lucy's handwriting.

_Dear Darren_

_I'm sorry I have to do this, but I've come at it from so many different angles and I can't see there being any other way. I know you don't agree with me, but Caroline hates me. Our daughter hates me. I knew it from the moment she wouldn't breastfeed. Every time I lift her, she screams and she only settles when she's with you. You're a much better parent to her than I could ever be. Tell her I did this for her. Tell her that I knew she would have a much better life without me. You all would. I'm sorry._

_Lucy._

Darren read the words over and over again, trying to take them in. In his mind, he could hear Lucy saying them, could picture her face, tearstained as it seemed to always have been these last few weeks.

"Darren, are you intending on doing any work this afternoon?" Jack demanded, coming into the bar. He paused when he saw the expression on his son's face. "What's up?"

"This…" Darren handed him the letter, "I think…I think Lucy's left me." Jack scanned the words quickly, "She's left us." Caroline started screaming harder and he rocked her, gently shushing her.

"When did you get this?"

"Just now. Nancy gave it to me."

"Nancy?"

Darren nodded. "Lucy asked her to watch Caroline earlier and to give it to me. I don't understand," he said, "she was fine this morning."

"Fine?" Jack raised his eyebrows. "Were we at the same breakfast table?"

"Well, as fine as she has been these last few weeks," he conceded. "I mean, I know she's not been happy…but I figured it was just going to take her a bit of time to get over the birth."

"Not been happy?" Jack exclaimed, "Darren, I'm no doctor, but it's pretty obvious that she's been depressed! She's barely eating, not sleeping, constantly crying…haven't you been able to see that?"

"Well, yeah but…" he looked at the floor, not wanting to admit that he _had _seen it and had chosen to ignore it.

"Here, give me the baby," Jack reached for his granddaughter, "Go up and see if she's taken her things."

Darren handed Caroline over and then raced up the stairs two at a time to the flat and powered through the living room and into their bedroom. Throwing open the wardrobe, he saw that Lucy's clothes were still hanging where they had been. Her makeup was still strewn across the dresser and the scent of the perfume he had bought her still lingered in the air. All of her possessions were where she had left them. He hurried back downstairs again. "She hasn't taken anything."

"Nothing?"

"No."

"Ok," Jack said, taking charge, "When Lucy went out earlier, did she say where she was going?"

"No, she just said she was taking Caroline for a walk."

"I think we need to call the police."

"The police? What for? They're hardly going to be bothered about Lucy being missing for two hours."

"She's left a note…she hasn't taken her things…" Jack shook his head "With the way she's been acting recently…" he trailed off.

Darren's eyes widened as fear flooded his body, "You don't think…?"

"I don't know," Jack said, placing Caroline back in the pram "but, like I said, I think we should call the police."

"Dad, if she has put herself in danger," Darren said, "they'll arrest her if they find her."

Jack mused over this, knowing that his son was right. "All right," he said, "no police. Think. Where would she go?"

"I don't know."

"Think Darren!"

"I don't know!" he retaliated.

"Ok," Jack said, "let's split up, check the village and meet back here in half an hour, ok?"

"Ok."

"And try her mobile," Jack said. "If you can speak to her, we might be able to get her to come back."

XXXX

"Hi, this is Lucy Osbourne. I can't take your call, but please leave a message after the tone."

"Lucy, it's me again," Darren felt his panic rising as he left yet another message. "Please, please call me back as soon as you get this message. We're all worried about you." He closed his phone and put it back in his pocket. Hurrying back into the pub, he found Jack waiting for him. "Anything?"

"No. You?" Darren shook his head. "Where's Caroline?" Instinct kicked in.

"Frankie's got her upstairs. I told her not to say anything to Steph or Newt, not until we know what's happening. I've told her to keep trying Lucy's phone."

"I just left her another message," Darren waved his phone redundantly.

"So, she's not in the village," Jack said, "where else would she go?"

Darren sank down on a nearby chair and put his head in his hands. At this precise moment, he wondered if he knew anything about his wife, or maybe he had just chosen not to see it. When he thought back over their time together, how much fun they had had before Caroline had been born…how happy she had been when he had asked her to marry him.

Then it struck him. "The bridge."

"What bridge?" Jack asked.

"The bridge where I proposed. At the river. She might have…might have gone there…" he trailed off, knowing that if she had, there was only one reason why.

"Right," Jack leapt to his feet and grabbed his car keys. "Let's go."

XXXX

The afternoon sunshine was low on the horizon by the time they reached the bridge. The area was quiet, deserted in fact and, for a moment when they got out of the car, Darren wondered if he had been wrong. Then he saw her.

"Lucy!" Darren rushed forward onto the bridge. Jack followed and grabbed his arm. "Stay away from me!" Lucy screamed, getting precariously to her feet from where she had been sat for the last hour and gripping onto the wooden railing.

"Darren, get back!" Jack pulled his son back.

"Lucy…" Darren tried away.

"Please go away!" she shouted again.

"It's all right Lucy, it's all right," Jack said, pushing Darren back to the other side of the walkway. "He's away, Lucy, he's away."

Lucy took a deep breath and let it out shakily before resuming gazing at the water. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. She was supposed to have jumped before they could have found her. Why had she hesitated?

"Lucy love," Jack said, edging closer to her again. "Come back over this side and we can talk."

"I can't."

"Yes you can. Just reach over…"

"I said I can't!" she shouted. "Please, please just leave me."

"We can't do that, love," Jack continued, "we don't want you falling off the edge." He tried to make a joke.

"Fall?" she scoffed, "Is that what you think might happen, Jack? You don't think I might just…_throw myself_ off this bridge?!" Her voice rose to a high screech.

Darren couldn't stand any more. He hurried forward to stand next to Jack. "Lucy please…"

"No!" she leaned out away from the bridge, taking one hand off of the railing.

"Darren, get back!" Jack grabbed his son again.

"Dad, she's trying to kill herself!"

"I can see that!" Jack pulled Darren back by his sweater and turned his son to face him. "I'm going to try and stop her."

"Dad…" Darren's eyes filled with tears.

"I know," Jack said, taking his son's face in his hands, "I know. Please, son, just stay here." Darren nodded shakily. "Ok." Jack turned back to where Lucy was still leaning away from the railing. "Lucy, Darren's not going to interrupt us, ok?" She didn't say anything. "You and I can just talk."

"I don't want to talk," she said, "I just want it over with."

"You don't want to jump, Lucy. You don't want to leave Caroline."

She half turned and looked at him, her face streaked with tears. "Don't you get it?" she said, "I'm doing this _for _Caroline. She'll have a better life."

Jack shook his head, "By depriving her of the one person she needs most?"

"She doesn't need me."

"She does."

"She doesn't even like me!"

"That's not true, Lucy. Caroline loves you. You're her mother."

"She hates me, Jack," Lucy said, her voice breaking. "She won't feed from me, she screams whenever I go near her, she looks at me as if to say 'you're a crap mum'…"

"No she doesn't."

"How would you know?!" she shrieked, "You're not there with her all the time. I am! I look at her! I see it!" She let out a cry of frustration. "I was meant to have this done before now! You weren't supposed to be here to see me do this!!"

"Lucy…" Jack edged closer so that he was standing against the railing, inches from being able to grab her jacket. "Even if you believe that about Caroline…what about Darren? What about me and Frankie? We all love you. We all need you." She shook her head. "It's true sweetheart."

"You'd all be better off without me," she said quietly, "Darren especially."

"How can you say that? Darren loves you so much…"

"If he loved me, he would want to be with me."

Jack frowned, "I don't…"

"If he loved me he wouldn't be out shagging every girl he can get his hands on!"

Jack turned and looked at Darren who was shaking his head. "That's rubbish!" he called. "Lucy, I haven't done anything! You _know _how much I love you!"

"Lucy," Jack said, "you need to talk these things through with Darren. Whatever's happened, you can work it out. You can't just…"

She shook her head, "It's too late." She leaned out a little bit more.

"Lucy, don't!" Jack said, panic starting to set in. This was going on for far too long. "Please, please come back over."

"Why?" she turned to face him again and he could see the abject pain in her eyes. "I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm a terrible wife and a shit mother…what is the point in me even being here?"

Darren couldn't stand it anymore. He rushed forwards. "Lucy…"

"Darren!" Jack shouted.

"Get away from me!" she screamed at him, twisting in an attempt to move away. As she did so, her right foot slipped from the ledge causing her body to pitch downwards. As she fell, her mind cleared. This was it. This was what she had been waiting for. In slow motion, she felt her body grow weightless. Down and down she fell, oblivious to everything.

Closing her eyes, she hoped it wouldn't hurt.


	2. Chapter 2

**July 2008**

**7 days earlier**

Despite the fact that he had rolled home at 2am, Darren was awake before Lucy. Or rather, he was obviously awake before Lucy. In reality, she hadn't slept at all, merely lain in bed staring at the wall, hoping that Caroline wouldn't start to cry, especially given that she was alone.

"It's just a drink," Darren had said when she had reacted badly to his comment that he was going out that evening. "I haven't been out since she was born."

"Do what you like," Lucy had replied, before flopping back down onto the sofa to watch Diagnosis Murder. She had refused to speak to him for the rest of the afternoon, and their frosty silence hadn't gone unnoticed at the dinner table.

"Why don't you two go out tonight?" Frankie had suggested breezily, clearly eager to diffuse the tension. "It's been ages since you've been out as a couple. Go and have a couple of drinks in the bar. Jack and I'll watch Caroline."

"Darren already has plans," Lucy had replied, moving her spaghetti around her plate with absolutely no intention of eating any of it.

"I'm meeting some of the lads for a drink," he had replied.

"Well Lucy could go too, couldn't she?" Frankie had persisted.

"Forget it, Frankie," Lucy had said, lifting her plate and scraping the contents into the bin, "I don't feel like it anyway." She had then gone back to their room and put the television on, turning the volume up when Caroline began crying an hour later in a desperate attempt to block her out.

"She needs fed," Darren had said, appearing at the door with their screaming daughter in his arms.

"Then feed her," Lucy had replied, "it's not as if there's anything special about me doing it." He had left, slamming the door behind him, and she had dissolved into tears, reminded yet again about how useless she was as a mother.

"I won't be late," he had said by way of goodbye twenty minutes later.

She had looked at him, the clean shirt, the smell of aftershave…she knew what that was all in aid of. She hadn't even bothered to reply, knowing that it was a lie and telling herself how right she had been when he had come in at 2am, smelling of beer. She hadn't even pretended to be asleep, knowing that he would be too drunk to care anyway. She had felt the bed sag beneath her as he climbed in beside her, his arm automatically resting over her body. When she pushed it away, he was already asleep and therefore didn't even notice.

"Lucy?" She was awake, had been all night, and yet was too exhausted to move. "Lucy, you awake?"

"What is it?"

"Breakfast's ready."

She rolled over in bed and looked at him standing in the doorway, "I'm not hungry."

"You didn't eat any dinner last night and Dad said you didn't have anything later either. You must be starving."

"I'm not."

"Lucy…"

"Piss off, Darren," she said viciously, rolling back over to face the wall.

There was a long moment of silence. "Are you intending getting up at all?"

"Am I due to work a shift today?" she asked, knowing full well the answer.

"No…"

"Then no."

Darren closed the door, resisting the urge to slam it because Caroline was still sleeping, but he rested his head against it for a long moment, hoping, wishing for something to change.

"Is she coming?" Frankie asked when he went back into the kitchen.

"No," he replied, sitting down and taking some toast from the plate on the table. "She's still sleeping."

"I heard you talking to her," Newt said, barely looking up.

"I said she's still sleeping, all right?" he replied sharply.

"Darren!" Frankie chastised him. "Is she all right?"

He sighed, "How would I know?"

XXXX

"Where's the lovely Lucy?" Cindy asked later that day as she leant seductively over the bar.

"Upstairs," Darren replied, trying to avoid looking at the ample cleavage that was on show.

"She doesn't seem to be getting out much lately. When I had Holly I couldn't wait to get back out on the town."

"Yeah well, Lucy isn't like you."

"You can say that again," Cindy scoffed, "Little Miss Boring." She stepped back. "You know if you ever fancy a little bit of fun…" he looked at her. "I mean, you can't stay in playing Daddy every night, can you?"

"Thanks, but I reckon I'll pass," he said.

"Shame," she said, "you're missing out on a real treat." At that moment, Lucy appeared. "Oh, look who it is! Come out from under the covers have we? I mean, given what you're wearing…" Cindy looked at her disparagingly, "and is that baby sick down your front?"

Lucy glanced down and then looked back up again. "Darren, can I talk to you?"

"Erm…yeah…" he put down the glass he was holding and followed her out of the immediate area and to the bottom of the stairs relieved to see that she was out of bed at least. "You ok?"

"No," she replied, "the baby's been sick."

"I can see that," he said with a smile, "she throw up her lunch again?"

"Again?" Lucy glared at him.

"Yeah, she did the same yesterday."

"What are you trying to say?" she said, her eyes narrowing.

"Nothing," he said, "I was just saying…"

"You're saying that every time I feed her she's sick. That's what you're saying, isn't it?"

He felt the familiar sense of exasperation. "Lucy, I didn't say that…"

"Why don't you just come out and say what you really think, Darren?" she raged. "You think that I'm a crap mother, don't you?"

"What?"

"Why don't you just say it if that's what you think?" she shouted.

Whirling around, she made to hurry back up the stairs but he grabbed her arm, forcing her back. "Lucy…"

"Get off of me!" she swung around, slapping him across the face in the process, causing him to let go suddenly and put his hand to his cheek. Lucy stood, wide-eyed, as though rendered immoveable by what she had done. Tears sprung into her eyes and her lip started to quiver.

"It's ok," he said, his voice shaking slightly, "Lucy it's ok…" Before he could say anymore, she turned and thundered up the stairs, slamming the door at the top behind her leaving him standing, bewildered and more than a little scared.

XXXX

"Newt, have you done your homework?" Frankie asked automatically when she came up to the flat at dinner time. Newt, sat on the sofa watching television, grunted. "Is that a yes?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Darren and Lucy here?" she asked, starting the preparation for the dinner.

"Lucy's in her room with Caroline," he replied.

Frankie paused. "I think I'll just go and see how she is." She walked through the living room to the door of the bedroom and knocked quietly. "Lucy? It's Frankie, can I come in?" There was no reply, so she pushed open the door. Her eyes went immediately to the cot pushed in beside the bed and saw to her relief Caroline sleeping soundly. Lucy was sitting on the bed, her head in her hands. "Lucy?" she ventured. Lucy raised her head and Frankie saw her face stained with tears. "What is it?" she rushed forward and knelt in front of her. "What's happened?"

Lucy didn't say anything. Instead, she burst into tears, sobs that wracked her entire body. Frankie pulled her into her arms and held her, not sure what to say or do. "Darren…" Lucy said finally.

Frankie pulled back. "He's not here, but I'll send Newt to go and find him.

"No," Lucy said, shaking her head, "He hates me…he'll never want to see me again."

"Don't be daft," Frankie said. "Have you two had an argument? I'm sure it's nothing you can't sort out…"

"I hit him!" Lucy moaned painfully. "I hit him…" she dissolved into sobs again.

"Hit him?" Frankie echoed.

"I'm a shit mother and an even _shittier _wife…"

"That's not true and you know it," Frankie said.

"It would be better if I wasn't here."

"That's rubbish," Frankie shook her gently. "You're overtired. No wonder, having a new baby and living in here. You just need some rest. Why don't I take Caroline and let you have a sleep before dinner?" Lucy hesitated. "You'll feel a lot better afterwards and Darren'll be back by then and you can talk. I'm sure whatever happened today you can sort it out. Come on," she went into mother mode and coaxed Lucy to lie down on the bed. The younger girl seemed to accept this gratefully and lay back on the bed. Instantly, her eyes were closed and she was asleep.

Frankie lifted Caroline out of the cot and carried her through the living room, placing her in the pram that was at the door.

"What's up with her?" Newt asked, never moving his eyes from the television screen.

"Nothing," Frankie replied, "nothing at all."

XXXX

At half past eight, Darren pushed open the door of the flat and stepped reluctantly inside. Frankie and Jack were sat at the kitchen table and leapt to their feet when they saw him.

"Where have you been?" Jack demanded.

"I'm sorry I missed dinner," he said by way of explanation.

"This is not about missing dinner," Frankie said, her voice low but angry. "This is about your wife!"

"What about her?" Darren asked wearily, pulling out a chair and sinking down into it.

"I found her breaking her heart in your room earlier," Frankie said. "She said something about hitting you."

"She did," he replied, "downstairs earlier. She slapped me."

"What did you do?" Jack demanded.

"Oh yeah that's right, Dad," he retorted, "it would be my fault, wouldn't it? It couldn't just be that she's a moody cow!"

"Darren!" Jack exclaimed.

"She is _not _'a moody cow' as you so lovingly put it," Frankie said. "I think we have to consider the possibility that Lucy's a little bit depressed."

"I'm not depressed." They turned to see Lucy standing in the living room.

"Lucy, sweetheart," Frankie moved forward to her, "We thought you were still sleeping."

"I'm not depressed," she repeated, her eyes never leaving Darren's. "I'm sorry."

"Jack, will you help me downstairs?" Frankie said, sensing they needed some time alone.

"Sure," he replied and they both left the flat.

"I'm not depressed," she said it again, stepping forward, "and I didn't mean to hit you."

"I know."

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok."

"I just sometimes think…" she paused. "Caroline…Caroline doesn't think much of me…"

"Luce, she's a baby," Darren said. "She doesn't think much of anything."

"You don't see the look in her eyes. You don't see what I see."

Darren paused. What she was saying made no sense. Maybe Frankie was right. But he didn't want to entertain the possibility that Frankie could be right. Lucy was just tired. That's all it was. All she needed was a bit of rest, a bit of TLC. Perhaps he hadn't done enough of that lately. He stepped forward and pulled her into his arms. "It's ok," he said.

Lucy wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest, allowing herself to relax, believing for the first time that he understood. He rubbed her back gently. She remembered him doing that when she was in labour.

"Why don't I run you a hot bath?" he suggested.

She pulled back and looked at him. "Do you want to have sex?"

He was slightly taken aback by her comment, "Umm…well, it wasn't exactly what I was thinking about…"

"Is that a no?"

"No, it's a..." he paused. "Do _you _want to have sex?"

She looked away, "I don't know. Part of me wonders why you would want to have sex with me when you could have sex with Cindy."

"Cindy?!" he exclaimed, "Why would I want to…?"

"Don't tell me you don't want her. I could tell by the conversation you were having in the bar earlier."

"She was buying a drink. I was talking to her. It's not a big deal."

"I heard what she was saying about me," her face hardened, "and you weren't exactly sticking up for me."

"I didn't get a chance…"

"You had _every _chance!" she shouted. "But you didn't because you agree with her, don't you?"

"No…"

"Don't you?!" she shrieked. "You bastard! I hate you!" She lunged at him, pushing him hard so that he stumbled back, cracking his head on the door. Unlike before, she didn't pause. She ran back to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. As she did so, Caroline started to scream from the pram in the corner.

"Lucy!" Darren ran to the door and tried the handle, but she had locked it from the inside. "Lucy, open the door!"

"Go away!" Something heavy hit the door, and he jumped back. Then the stereo was switched on and music blared out.

He backed away from the door, slid down the wall and put his head in his hands. "What's happened to you?" he asked no-one in particular. "What happened to us?"


	3. Chapter 3

**June 2008**

**Two weeks earlier**

"No rest for the wicked, eh?" Nancy commented as Lucy poured her a vodka and tonic. "I thought new mothers were meant to take at least six weeks off?"

"We're short staffed," Lucy replied quietly, "besides, I needed a break."

"It's not easy, is it?" Nancy mused, "Having to deal with a new baby."

"No."

"Listen, if you fancy a real break, why don't you come out for a drink with me tomorrow night? I was just going to go to the bar, meet a few people, chill out…what do you reckon?"

Lucy glanced over to where Darren was serving at the far end of the bar. "I don't know…"

Nancy followed her gaze, "Oh dear, won't hubby let you out?"

"It's not that…" Lucy trailed off.

"You don't have to drink," Nancy persisted, "obviously not if you're breastfeeding."

Lucy looked up sharply, "What did you say?"

"Breastfeeding," Nancy replied, "obviously you can't drink…"

"How do you know?"

"How do I know what?"

"About the breastfeeding? Did Darren tell you?"

Nancy looked confused, "Tell me what?"

"That I can't do it. Did he tell you that?!" Her voice rose an octave, causing a few people to turn and look. "Did he?"

"No…" Nancy said, "I don't…"

"Everything all right?" Darren asked, coming to stand beside her.

"No, it's not all right!" Lucy threw down the bar cloth she was holding, "Who else have you told?"

"Told what?"

"You know what I'm talking about! The fact that I can't even feed my own daughter!"

He glanced around, "Do you want to keep your voice down, Luce?"

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said sarcastically, "Ashamed of me are you?" Before he could reply, she stormed out from behind the bar, threw open the door of the pub and then let it slam behind her.

There was a stunned silence. "Is she all right?" Nancy asked after a moment.

"She's fine," he replied defensively, "she's just tired that's all. Looking after a new baby can do that to you."

"Shouldn't you go after her?"

"In case what? She tries to top herself?"

Nancy lifted her drink and moved away from the bar, "Excuse me for caring."

XXXX

Steph was closing up MOBS for the day when she saw Lucy coming down the street towards her, her arms wrapped around herself. From a distance, it looked at though she was crying.

"Cindy, can you finish up here for me?" she asked.

Cindy turned, "What do I look like, your slave?"

"Just do it, will you?"

Cindy followed her gaze, "Oh dear, it's Miss Moody Knickers. I don't know how Darren puts up with her, I really don't."

Steph shot her a look before coming out of MOBS and towards where Lucy was walking. "Hi Lucy," she said when she reached her, "you ok?"

Lucy looked at her and she could see that the other girl had indeed been crying. "Not really."

"What's wrong?" Steph slipped her arm around her shoulders and steered her in the direction of the nearest bench. "Is everything all right with Caroline?"

"Caroline, Caroline," Lucy grumbled, "it's always about her isn't it? As long as Caroline's ok it doesn't matter about anybody else." She sank down on the seat and wiped her eyes viciously.

Steph sat down beside her, "Did you have a fight with Darren?"

"He told Nancy that I'm not able to breastfeed."

"Why would he…?"

"I don't know but he did!" She let out a shuddering breath. "I didn't want people to know, Steph. It makes me feel even more useless than I already am."

"You're not useless," Steph gave her a reassuring hug. "You're a new mum trying to adjust. It's not easy. I know that Tom's a lot older than Caroline, but having a kid around is hard. It's a big change to your life, there's no getting away from it. Look, why don't you come round to ours? We can have a few drinks, chat about old times…"

Lucy glanced up and saw Cindy hovering, "No thanks."

Steph followed her gaze, "Oh don't worry about her."

"You know it's rude to talk behind people's backs," Cindy said, walking up to them, "if Miss Sour Puss has got something to say, I'd prefer if she just said it."

"Back off, Cindy," Steph said quietly, "can't you see she's upset?"

"With a face like hers, who can blame her?" Cindy replied, running a hand through her hair, "it remains a mystery to me why a good looking bloke like Darren puts up with a sour faced madam like her."

Lucy got to her feet, pushed past Cindy and hurried away down the street.

Steph stood up, "Nice one."

Cindy smiled, "I aim to please."

XXXX

By the time she got back to the Dog it was after nine. Jack was in the bar and he looked up when she came in, an imperceptible look of relief crossing his face. "There you are," he said, "Darren said you went out."

"Yeah, sorry," she replied stepping back behind the bar, "I didn't mean to be away so long."

"That's ok," he replied. He watched as she began clearing some empty glasses from the bar, "Is everything ok?"

"Fine."

"It's just that Darren said…"

"I don't care what Darren said."

"All right." He continued wiping the tables and then came back over to her, "Look, why don't you go upstairs? I can handle things down here."

"Is Darren there?" she asked carefully.

"Last I heard he and Newt were fighting over the remote control." He gave her a smile which she barely returned.

"Ok," she said, "thanks." She left the bar and climbed the stairs to the flat. Before she reached it, she could hear the television and raised voices. Frankie and Darren's. When she pushed open the door and stepped inside, they both immediately stopped and turned to look at her.

"There you are love," Frankie said. "We were wondering where you'd got to. Caroline's been fussing for her mum, hasn't she?"

"Yeah," Darren said quietly.

"I'm sure she has," Lucy muttered, moving past them towards the bedroom.

"Do you want anything to eat?" Frankie called after her.

Lucy didn't reply. She went into the bedroom and closed the door behind her, letting out a long breath. Glancing around the room, she thought for the millionth time how cramped it was, especially with the cot in there now too. The cot where her daughter was sleeping peacefully.

She remembered how Darren had said that once the baby was born they would look for a place of their own. That the Dog wasn't big enough for all of them. All that talk appeared to have gone out the window, however, and her mind's eye she saw a life stretching before them of forever being there.

The door opened and Darren came in, closing it behind him. "I didn't say anything to Nancy," he said.

"Then how did she know?"

"She didn't know, that's the point. She just assumed you were breastfeeding and then you said…"

"So it's my fault then?"

"I didn't say that." Lucy sank down onto the bed and ran her hand through her hair. She felt exhausted, though she hadn't done much. Darren sat beside her, his arm brushing against hers. "If you want to talk…"

"About what?" she interrupted.

"Anything."

"So you can go and spread it around the whole village?"

Darren shook his head, "Do you honestly believe that's what I'd do? Because if it is…then we really don't know each other at all."

"Regretting marrying me?" she asked. "Wishing you had dumped me when you had the chance? Before I told you I was pregnant?"

"I have never said that."

"That's how you feel, though, isn't it?"

He sighed, "If we're honest, everything did move pretty quickly, Luce. I'm not saying that it was a mistake because I love you…"

"But?"

"But, maybe in hindsight, we should have waited before having a baby."

"It wasn't exactly planned, if you remember," she scoffed.

"I know, and I'm as much to blame for that as you are…"

"At least we agree on something."

"But Caroline's here now, and I wouldn't change her for the world. Would you?" He waited for her to agree, but she didn't. "Lucy?"

"What?"

"Do you wish she wasn't here?"

"No," she said after a long silence, "I wish I wasn't here."

"What does that mean?"

"Nothing," she replied, lying back on the bed, "I don't know. I'm just…tired and…"she sighed again, "Steph says it difficult getting used to having a kid around."

"Steph's right," he agreed, "for once." Lucy smiled despite herself. "There you go. A smile. I thought I was never going to see that again." He reached out and stroked her leg, running his hand up the inside of her jeans. "You fancy an early night?"

The smile instantly left Lucy's face and she sat up, pulling her leg away from him. "The doctor said we had to wait at least six weeks and it's only been three and a half."

"I won't tell if you won't," he said suggestively.

"No, Darren," she said, getting to her feet, "you think that can solve all our problems? Well it can't."

"That's not what I meant," he said, "I just thought that…"

"You thought that a mere three and a half weeks after having a baby ripped out of my body I'd be happy to let you get right in there?" She shook her head, "What do you think I am, some sort of hooker?"

"Lucy…"

"Just get out, Darren, all right?" she said irritably.

He got to his feet, "Fine. Whatever you want."

"Here," she reached into the cot, lifted Caroline out and placed her roughly in his arms, "take her with you."

XXXX

At 3am, she woke to the sound of crying. At first, she thought she was dreaming, but as she slowly regained consciousness, she knew that it was real. Sitting up in bed, she realised that Darren wasn't beside her and a quick glance at the cot showed that it was empty. Getting out of bed, she pulled on her dressing gown, opened the door and padded silently out into the living room.

Darren was sitting on the sofa feeding Caroline from a bottle. He looked up as she approached. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."

"It's ok," she replied, perching on the edge of the sofa, "is she all right?"

"Fine," he replied, "just hungry, aren't you, gorgeous? I only started about two minutes ago and she's already finished half the bottle." He smiled at her, "We're almost out by the way so can you express more tomorrow?"

"I suppose," Lucy replied, pulling the robe tighter around her, as though wanting to shield her chest.

"Go back to bed," he said, "I've got it under control."

She got to her feet and stepped over beside him, looking down in the dim light at her daughter's face, contentedly suckling. "She looks happy," she commented.

"She is happy," he replied, "she's with her dad."

"Exactly," Lucy whispered, so faintly that he didn't even hear her. Impulsively, she dropped a kiss on the top of his head and then made her way back to bed.


End file.
